If everything has an equal and opposite reaction, then it makes sense that the euphoria of falling in love can be offset by the devastating pain of breaking up. Research shows that a difficult breakup can have negative impacts on your physical and mental health.
The perfect breakup doesn’t exist, and no guidelines are one-size-fits-all, but there are ways to approach it with compassion for your partner as well as for yourself. Bringing intention to this distressing transition at each stage of the process can help mitigate the harmful effects of breaking up.
Before the Breakup
Broach the subject.
If you are having doubts or concerns about your relationship, share them with your partner before you break up. Being blindsided never feels good. While it might be tempting to avoid conversations that might lead to fights or hurt feelings, speaking up when you are unhappy is an important step. In some cases, these conversations can save the relationship or clarify that a breakup is the right decision.
Think about what you want to say.
Breakups are not a bomb to throw in the middle of an argument or a weapon to wield when you want to pierce your partner’s shields. Once you’ve decided you want to end the relationship, find time to consider what you want to say and how you want to say it. When we are having stressful conversations, it can be difficult to access the rational parts of our brain, so writing down or practicing what you want to say can be helpful. Try to use neutral, compassionate, non-blaming, direct language to effectively communicate your message.
During the Breakup
Have the conversation face-to-face.
Technology has opened the door to new ways of communication. We have adjusted our text communications to better capture tone by including emojis and colloquialisms like lol or jk. Despite these additions, communicating over text or apps can still lead to misunderstandings and increase the likelihood of hurt feelings regardless the topic. Important conversations benefit from seeing your partner’s facial expressions, body language, and hearing their tone. When possible, it’s
helpful to break up in person to honor your
partner and the relationship you shared.
That said, there are times when it is appropriate to use other forms of communication to break up. For example, if your safety would be threatened if you were to break up in person, ending a relationship over text is completely acceptable.
Be present.
A compassionate breakup requires partners to be present and attentive, despite the difficulty and painfulness of the task at hand. It might be tempting to have a couple drinks or cannabis to combat the anxiety of a hard conversation. Similarly, when we are anxious or uncomfortable, sometimes we distract ourselves with social media or our phones. These diversions can detract from your intentions. During a breakup, it’s important to be present so you can be honest, kind, and graceful with your partner.
Be intentional.
There is no guarantee the conversation will go smoothly; despite all the preparation you may do. Be honest and kind, but do not try to make your partner feel better by leaving things open-ended or offering false comfort like breakup sex. All you can control is the message that is sent, not how it is received. That is why being intentional about the message content and how it is delivered is so important.
After the Breakup
Set social media boundaries.
Consider taking a break from social media for a couple days or for a week following a breakup. Emotions are high after a breakup, which can increase oversharing on social media or trigger unexpected responses to your ex’s posts. Ask yourself what feels helpful as you move on from the relationship and then set those boundaries. For some that may mean muting, unfriending, or blocking your ex. Whatever boundaries you need are valid.
Know that grieving is normal.
Ending a relationship is a loss, just like an actual death. Processing the grief of that loss is important and takes time. Just as there are stages to grief, stages to accepting a breakup can include anger, denial, and depression. You may mourn the loss of your partner, the promise of the future, the potential for more good times, or the hope it could have ended differently. Even if you were the one to end the relationship, it is normal to grieve the loss of your partner before you can accept it wholly.
Know pain can be physical or psychic.
We expect some psychological responses to breakups such as sadness, depression, or disappointment. However, pain can be physical as well. Studies have found that emotional heartbreak can manifest as physical pain. You may experience headaches, difficulty sleeping, loss or increase in appetite, or other physical expressions of your pain. Just as the psychological symptoms will wane, so too will the physical symptoms.
Don’t rush into friendship.
It makes sense the person you liked enough to want to date is someone you would want to stay friends with, but research shows that limiting contact after a breakup helps you recover faster. Give yourself and your partner time to form a new normal outside of the relationship on your own. Wiping the slate clean by having a period of limited or no contact is a healthier way to transition into a new friendship with your partner.
Natalie Najman is an LMFT Associate at Enhancing Intimacy Counseling who helps individuals and people in relationships to improve intimacy and communication and have hard conversations. In addition to helping couples strengthen their communication and connection, Natalie also specializes in working with couples who want to break up or “uncouple.” Ending relationships can be difficult and scary because we’re not taught how to disentangle our lives from each other without causing undue harm. Clients who are dealing with anger, hurt, disappointment, and frustration often come to Natalie for help working together to end their relationship. Natalie has experience and training in dissolving relationships safely with intention and kindness.
If you're interested in working with Natalie, contact our office at enhancingintimacyaustin@gmail.com or 512-994-2588 to get scheduled. You can also schedule with Natalie at enhancingintimacy.clientsecure.me if you prefer to look at her schedule online.
Comments